


Popsicles are not Dicks

by Honeycrispcasey



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Eunwoo is a mom, I'll probably write some more lmao, Jin Jin is friendzoned, Multi, Non AU, Pretty trash but still funny, Pure Crack, Sanha is a little shit, fucking GAY, im a noob at Astro tho, probably cannon, puns, un edited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-06 01:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeycrispcasey/pseuds/Honeycrispcasey
Summary: IM SO SORRY FOR THIS ITS BASICALLY ALL CRACK ITS SO DUMB.But it’s kinda funny i guess yeah





	1. RIP Rocky 2k17

“Hey hyung, watch this-“

It's a hot summer day, and the Astro ensemble is enjoying the day off. Sanha is sitting on the couch, eating a popsicle. Once he gets the attention of JinJin, who is reading some book, he deep throats the popsicle, showing the whites of his eyes in a sexual way.

“Ew, gross Sanha.” Eunwoo replies with disgust in his voice “keep your sexuality to yourself.” 

MJ snickers from the kitchen, and swiftly grabs a popsicle from the freezer. He tosses the wrapper on the floor and boasts “Bet I could go deeper~” he then proceeds to shove the entire popsicle in his throat, stick and all.

Of course, he ends up choking it back out onto the floor.

“Are you guys high, relAx-“ JinJin yells at both Sanha and MJ, who are laughing so hard tears are streaming down their faces.

The front door handle jiggles at that very moment, and the door opens up to display a very tired looking Rocky. “I could hear you guys from the park, what is happenINg??” His eyes dart to the kitchen, where MJ is laughing on his knees. “Yeah never mind, I'm just going to leave again.” He swiftly shuts the door again and runs.

“Rocky wait-“ pleads JinJin, who is now standing up.

Sanha stops laughing long enough to peep out a “wow it's getting pretty fucking intense in here-“ he momentarily receives a slap on the cheek from Eunwoo.

Moonbin steps out of the bathroom but stands in the doorframe of the kitchen for a moment. “What the hell-“ 

MJ replies with “popsicles-“ and continues to laugh-cry.

JinJin finally loses it, and walks over to the freezer. He's laughing now too, but he snatches a popsicle out of the box and unwraps it. “Let me show ya how it's done-“ he sucks on it rather sexually.

Eunwoo walks over to JinJin and snatches it out of his hand, leaving JinJin in a very rigid and scared stance. 

Sanha chokes out a “sexual tension much-“ before laughing again.

At this point, four out of the five in the room are going berserk, faces red, tears continuing to flow. MJ gets up, clutching his stomach, and runs to the bathroom.

“You guys are absolutely disguSTing!!” Eunwoo storms off to his room with his arms crossed.

After a few minutes the laughter dies down. MJ walks out of the bathroom and stretches in the living room. “So… what do we do now?” The popsicle MJ threw up was melted into a sticky mess, and Sanha had juice staining his shirt.

“I guess we have to clean up now?” Questions Moonbin, who still hasn't done anything but laugh.

“Yeah…” the leader sighs and looks at his popsicle stained socks. This is going to be one hell of an explanation to his manager.

Sanha takes his shirt off and tosses it onto Moonbin, who is looking at something on his phone.

“The hell man?”

“Laundry Moon /Bin/“ 

“/you little-/“

The two start wrestling, while JinJin and MJ attempt to soak up the mess with some dish rags. The door opens once again, and Rocky steps into the room. He looks around, shakes his head, and heads to the room holding the one and only Cha Eunwoo. He already figured out Eunwoo had stormed off in disgust, and went to the room to cool down.

———

It's about ten p.m. now, and all the boys are curled into their beds. It's rather peaceful for a while, and because it's too hot for most to sleep, 4/6 of them are up on their phones. (The two not awake still are Moonbin and Sanha. Moonbin sleeps like a rock no matter what, and Sanha was scolded by Eunwoo to “the the heck to bed” because “growing boys need sleep”)

No sooner does JinJin finally turn off his phone to rethink the day, he hears MJ speak.

“Hey JinJin”

“Ya hyung?” He replies with pure salt in his voice.

“If someone dies in the living room, does it become a death room?”

“Go to bed.”

A few minutes of silence go by and JinJin gets another question.

“If you cut of your leg, where do you feel the pain?”

“In your /leg/ hyu-“ JinJin starts to reply but suddenly understands the question. He gets really angry at the singer for disturbing his sleep with stupid questions. “I swear to god if you ask me another question I'm going to come up there and beat your ass.”

The room goes quiet. All that can be heard is Sanha’s soft snoring.

JinJin is the last to fall asleep. He knows this because after about thirty minutes of sitting awake in the sweaty darkness, he hears MJ start sleep taking, saying things like “yeah, I wanna ride the coW” and “get me a bepiS” in broken English.

Sure was one hell of a day.

———

The sun starts to peak golden through the curtains, waking Moonbin up. He scrunches up his face and blinks a couple times before noticing a very pleasant smell. He stretches delicately, as if he were some pretty girl waking up on a drama. He climbs down the ladder from his bunk and walks toward the kitchen.

“Hey Moonbin, welcome back to earth.” 

“A simple ‘good morning hyung’ would've worked, Sanha.” Moonbin shrugged off the awful name pun, too tired still to fight that evil maknae”

Moonbin let his nose guide him to the stove. He looked down at some rice and eggs, which were being sloppily prepared by JinJin.

“Ya where's Eunwoo ?”

“Sleep.” Replied the rapper, who was attempting to squeeze oranges by hand. Moonbin nodded, deciding that this wasn't his place to step in. JinJin was obviously trying to apologize to Eunwoo by making him breakfast.

Moonbin sluggishly dragged his feet over to the couch, plopping himself down next to Rocky, who was watching some old cartoon on tv. He leaned his head onto the dancer’s shoulder, and sighed.

“Gross, get a room.” Sanha fake gagged toward them, and Moonbin simply flipped him off.

Sanha put on an fake shocked face. “ooohhhhh I'm telling EunwOO”

“Don't you dare you little shiT-“ 

“EunWOO HYUNG, MOONBIN FLIPPED ME OFF AND CALLED ME A LITTLE SHIT”

Before JinJin could finish his plead of “guys, please quiet down-“ Eunwoo stoRmed out of his room and gave Moonbin the loudest, most painful, and probably most killer slap in all of Korea.

Moonbin was now extremely woke. His face stung and was probably really red. Eunwoo just stood there with a sour look on his face.

After scolding Moonbin, (and Sanha for swearing) he walked over to JinJin who was cleaning up now.

“Hey Eunwoo, I made you breakfast!”

“Thanks bro” Eunwoo replied surprisingly calmly, before downing the cup of juice. “You're a great friend”. You could see the purely shocked expression of JinJin, who just got blasTed into the friend zone.

———

The boys all finish up their meals, and start taking turns showering and getting ready. Rocky ends up showering last. All the warm water has been used up, and it's mostly the fault of MJ, who takes the longest, hottest showers ever. 

After a turning of the water, he pulls back the curtain only to reveal Sanha, who is casually brushing his teeth. Rocky screams and covers himself hastily with the curtain. Sanha simply continues as if nothing happened. He spits out the toothpaste, and rinses his brush. Rocky watches him the whole time.  
He finally speaks awkwardly. “Why are you in here?!”

“I'm just brushing my teeth hyung!” Sanha grins smugly, and continues. “You're a lot smaller that I thought you know. At least your abs make up for it. Rock solid!” Sanha laughs and it makes Rocky angry. He reaches for the nearest soap bottle and trows it at the rascal, who runs out of the room laughing.

“/I ought to kill him/“

Rocky gets dressed and walks out to the living room, hair dripping wet.

Sanha and MJ are giggling to each other in the corner. Sanha notices Rocky and giggles like a little girl. MJ is the one who actually speaks first.

“Dang oppa, looking good, though your facial expression is STONE cold” MJ and Sanha start giggling like little girls. Rocky just gives them a ‘>:(‘ face and walks back to his room.

“Eunwoo, is my face really stone cold?”

“Is that supposed to be a joke?”

Rocky just sighs and flops onto his bed.


	2. Don't hang out in a closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We aren't having sex we just wanted to hang out already one  
> NO HOMO

Crunch -giggle- crunch

 

That's the sound of two teenage boys hanging out in a closet together, eating chips, and watching movies on their phones together.

Why are they watching movies in a closet? Simple explanation really. Hyungs. Those annoying, smelly, stupid adults as Sanha likes to call them when they aren't around. It was getting pretty hot in the tiny closet though, and by hot I mean sweatY. There was a dustpan gutting into Rocky’s side, and Sanha’s back was finally starting to cramp up after being curled for so long.

It was getting hot, sweaty, and uncomfortable in there for the boys. Suddenly trying to adjust, Rocky pushed the dustpan in the opposite direction, which resulted in him falling onto Sanha. Sounding somewhat sexual, Sanha moaned out a painful “ooHHH ROCKY-“ which was most definitely heard by the hyungs in the living room.

Rocky shushed him, and tried to move off of him, but had accidentally pushed his hand into Sanha's resting forearm. “RoCKY pleeaseeE-“

Now when you hear a lot of rustling followed by moaning coming from a closet, you probably don't think it's just two guys chilling. Your mind goes right into the gutter.

All of the other members were out in the living room/kitchen, so they had all heard Sanha's painful moan. Eunwoo was the first to get up, and walk to the closet. He rested his ear on the door for a moment, and started blushing after hearing more small moans and shushing. He whispered to the others still in the common space. “I don't think I should interrupt them-“

Jin Jin got up out of his chair and walked over to the closet. He whipped the door open and yelled “STOP FUCKING IN THE CLOSET-“ but no sooner did he say that he noticed the two sweaty but fully clothed boys. Both of them were flushed red, and clearly in pain.

“Hy,hyungs it's not what it looks like-“ stuttered Rocky, who was on top of Sanha. 

“Why was he moaning your namE??” Eunwoo asked as he gestured toward a cramped up Sanha, still very embarrassed along with the two youngest.

“He HURT ME,” the maknae squeaked out before sliding along the floor on his back out of the small closet. Rocky smiled awkwardly and slipped out as well, leaving Jin Jin and Eunwoo staring at each other in a mix of shock and confusion.

———


	3. Don't drink kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh kind of NSFW they talk about dicks and get drunk so-

“Hhey babe, what time is it?” Eunwoo groans without a second though, still drowsy and confused.

“Ah, how would I know… did you just call me babe?” 

Eunwoo sits up quickly, head hitting the… ceiling? He does not sleep on the top bunk- wait… this isn't his bed. “ARGH”.

JinJin sits up too, (missing the ceiling by a few centimeters haha) and opens his eyes to a puffy, messy haired Eunwoo. “Why are we sleeping together…”

“I DONT KNOW” Eunwoo half shouts half croaks. He starts to move the blanket but feels a blast of cold air and quickly covers up. “Oh no what happEND LAST NIGHT JINWOO”

“HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW IM JUST AS CONFUSED- heyyyy nice abs” *BLAM* JinJin gets smacked in the face, and is promptly ushered away. “Ow- hey I'm not wearing any pants eitheR”

“AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SHIRT ON”

“BUT IM STILL HALF NAKED”

“WELL ONE OF US HAS TO TAKE THE WALK OF SHAME”

Both boys shudder at the thought of MJ— or worse, Sanha, making fun of them for being naked.

“Well check yourself for hickeys- or maybe your ass hurts?” Eunwoo hurriedly asks, scanning JinJin for any marks.

“Oh so I'm the bottom? Check yourself pretty boy-“

Eunwoo gasps, but frantically looks over his milky skin anyway. “Nno all I see is where I ran into the door handle a week ago-.”

“Oh no what if there's a third person in this”

“Do you think-“

“MJ hyung??” Both boys say in unison, shuddering at the thoughts. No. This isn't right- what happened last night??

“Ok here's the plan, since you have a shirt on, take it off and wrap it around your waist-“ Eunwoo gulps. Why did this have to happen during such a pressing time. JinJin has no choice, so he does as asked. He pushes the blanket off dramatically, exposing Eunwoo and himself.

Eunwoo screeches and pulls the blanket over himself. “WhY WOULDNT YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT FIRST YOU IDIOT”

Both of them are flushed red now, and JinJin still has to take his shirt off. Once he does, Eunwoo gasps again.

“WhAT IS IT!?”

“WHAT IS TH, THA, THAT??” Eunwoo cries. He's pointing at a small bruise on the boy’s chest.

“eeeEEEEEEEEE-“ 

Both of them are screaming and freaking out now. But what did happen last night?

(Flashback)  
…………….

It's 5 in the afternoon, Sanha and Rocky are studying at the table, Moonbin and MJ are arguing and just dicking around. Eunwoo and JinJin aren't home yet, they went out to buy some things.

“What do you suppose is taking so long?” Sanha asks, shoving a couple pringles™ into his mouth.

“A load a fucking, that's for sure-“ Rocky replies, munching a chip.

“You guys better not be talking about sex, Eunwoo will beat your asses-“ MJ shouts toward the kitchen, ironically having just as much of a dirty mouth as the two youngest.

Almost perfectly timed, the door opens. It's Eunwoo and JinJin, with a bunch of bags.

“What snacks did you get!?” Sanha scampers out of the kitchen, slipping on the the tile floor a little.

“Uh we got mostly soaps and beauty stuff” replies JinJin, who plops down on the couch in exhaustion. He rubs his eyes with his hands and sighs. It was not a pleasant trip, Some freak of a guy had slammed his elbow into his chest, and left a bruise. Not to mention constant nagging from his mom friend about what to buy and what coupons to use.

“Wow that's boring.” Sanha starts going through the bags just because he can. He finds some things rather interesting, like cherry scented lube and charcoal face peel. He says nothing though, not wanting to get yelled at for asking too many questions.

“I'm going to get piss drunk tonight so I can forget this trash schedule-“ Eunwoo flops his entire body onto JinJins legs, and receives an “oof” from him.

“Ok, I'm going to study reallllly hard” Sanha grins devilishly and backs out of the room. (Really he's going to watch “banana slips on man” for 10 hours but hey, that's not important right now)

“Cracking open a cold one with the boys” Moonbin grins and picks a beer can out of one of the bags.

“I think the fuck not-“ Eunwoo gets up in a matter of seconds and smacks it out of his hand. “Beer is for pussies, let's slam vodka and wine-“

MJ gets a little nervous and squeaks “we have things to do tomorrow??” But it's no use. Eunwoo has already started drinking out of a flask, which had seemed to appear out of nowhere. He wipes his mouth and shakes his head sloppily.

JinJin isn't going to miss out on this. He pulls the flask and Eunwoo’s hand up to his mouth to drink it. Moonbin is shaking his head.

“You know what, I'm not going to drink tonight after all. Goodnight I'm sleeping for three years-“ the boy drags over to his room, and a loud thud is heard as he hits his bed.

“You guys are going to get hangover-“

“Fffffffuck I'll just take pillssss” Eunwoo is already far from sober, and JinJin is starting to feel it too. Sanha and Rocky are still being good kids™ and staying out of the way. It gets really wild after.

Somehow a strip contest was brought up. MJ had decided he should leave them alone and just chill with the maknaes instead. Long story short, there was a challenge on who could take off the most without chickening out. Eunwoo started by dropping his pants, boxers and all. 

“Hhey yourrree pretty bigg haha-“ stuttered JinJin.

“Yeahhh bet I'm bigger than you little man ahahhga”

“Yeahhh righT maaan-“

Jin Jin kicked off his pants, and the two stared awkwardly at eachothers dicks for a moment.

MJ ran past them to his room to sleep, he didn't really want to see anything gay on that particular night.

“Heyyyyyyy baby lets go to the sAckk”

“SacK what sAck?!”

“My bedddahaha”

And so this was brought to the bedroom. They climbed after eachother into bed, flopping down and giving greasy, drunken winks.

“I'm gonna hit the sack sssssooHarD-“ JinJin exclaimed before punching the pillow and promptly passing out.

“Sounds ffffucking hott babae” Eunwoo slurred before taking his shirt off, and easily passing out.

..

**Author's Note:**

> Woah you actually made it to the end
> 
> It's a crack filled mess, but there just aren't enough funny non-chatroom Astro fics lmao
> 
> I hope you laughed like, at least once.
> 
> Now gimmie those kudos papi


End file.
